Delta Roadtrip: Heber Springs, Ark.

Funnoodlers Thomas Gregory, R.D. Seawright, Robyn Jones, Tracy McGarrh, Andy Hackleman and Anna Gregory float in the clear waters of Greers Ferry Lake in Heber Springs, Ark. Photo by Robbie Cash.

Head 'Em Up and Move 'Em Out

It's Quittin' Time at five o'clock on Friday, and the cars begin to gather at Andy Hackleman's house to load up and hit the highway. The traveling band of roadtrip revelers consists of Andy, Thomas Gregory, Robyn Jones, Tracy McGarrh, and yours truly. We are Heber Springs-bound to stay at the Jones lake house for a weekend of sun-filled fun and frivolity. Anna Gregory and Robbie Cash will be coming from Memphis to meet us there (in Anna's super-fly new set of wheels I might add).

We throw our bags in the Hackleman Tahoe. Thomas safely secures his fifty-dollar bag of booze (consisting of Hot Damn, UV Blue Vodka, Taaka Vodka, Jack Daniel's, and enough Zing Zang Bloody Mary mix to supply a small country). Andy packs enough fixins for Sherman's army (hamburgers, hot dogs, steak kabobs, various and sundry chips, dips, and a boatload of beer). Robyn throws in the best cookie dough this side of the Mason Dixon. Tracy and I offer moral support. I also make sure to bring tons of trashy gossip mags for the five-hour drive to the Razorback Region.

Thomas waves farewell to the Ford Taurus he is currently comandeering while his Jeep is in the shop. We fondly refer to it as the Golden Chariot, for it runs on magic and has brake lights made of rubies. But I digress.

Are We There Yet?

Andy transports us from Greenwood to Heber Springs in one piece. Thomas entertains me by reading hilarious excerpts from The Catcher in the Rye by J.D. Salinger. Everyone takes turns perusing the "Bump Watch" issue of InTouch. "Who the heck cares if Britney Spears is pregnant?" we all wonder. Thomas vows to create a magazine for ordinary "joes" like us and swears that it will be twenty times more interesting (I concur completely).

Destination: Heber House

Despite the fact that it's around 10 p.m. when we arrive, the craziness immediately commences on the back deck with drinks for all, a bowl of Rotel, a fresh batch of toffee-and-white-chocolate cookies, and a late-night game of Cranium. Though we raise quite a ruckus, the neighbors never call. We finally throw in the towel around four in the morning.





















Andy acts out the answer to a Cranium question while teammates, Robyn and Tracy, try to guess correctly.

Rise and Shine

The house begins to stir around eleven on Saturday morning. After eating breakfast and watching a wicked episode of Spongebob Squarepants, we suit up and grab towels, sunscreen, and coolers. The water awaits us.

Boating 101

We find the Jones Family Party Barge in a slip of section "V" at the Greers Ferry Lake Marina and remove the cover to find a pontoon boat fit for celebrities. Upon backing the boat out, however, our faithful captains have trouble getting it to go forward. The prop's not turning. Heber, we have a problem. The battery is fine. The motor is running. We scratch our collective head and struggle to keep from drifting into neighboring vessels while Robyn calls her dad and brother for futher instructions. For what seems like an eternity we wonder, anxiously, if our lake adventure is doomed. The expression "dead in the water" comes to mind.

The problem is finally fixed and Robbie expertly maneuvers us into wide-open waters where we spend the better part of an entire day sunbathing, snacking, and riding the ginormous inflatable hot dog. My arms are still sore.

We fill the boat with 8-dollar-a-gallon gasoline and manage (clumsily) to get the thing back into the slip, cleaned out, and covered. As Thomas so eloquently puts it, "We fried like chickens in Baptist Town." Sunburned and exhausted we head back to the homestead.






















Andy and Tracy ride a reeeeeeeally big weiner.

A Feast Fit For a King

We descend like locusts upon four or five different kinds of dip. Delta Dirt Blue Ribbons are awarded to Anna's totally addictive homemade guacamole and Robyn's bad-to-the-bone tomato and bacon dip. Andy and Thomas commence to slicing and dicing up the makings of the most incredible kabobs I've ever tasted. I watch a movie and sip a Coca-Cola Classic from the comfort of the couch while scanning my fascinating Tennessee Williams biography.

Robyn's brother and sister-in-law come over and eat supper with our crazy crew. After they go home we start a heated but good-natured game of Trivial Pursuit (90's Edition). At one point an ugly armadillo tries to crash our party but to no avail. Thomas and I, in the wee hours, ultimately win with the answer "Orin Hatch" and we all retreat to bed.

The Long and Winding Road (with a pit stop in the arm-pit of America)

On Sunday morning bags are packed, beds are made, and farewells issued. Thomas and I drive the golf cart full of garbage to the dumpsters at the Red Apple Inn. On the way back we critique and criticize various architectural atrocities with vehemence to the tune of "your brick is ugly" or "what a God-awful color to paint one's trim" or "by the look of your house you obviously suck at life."

When we get to Helena we think it a novel notion to stop at the Isle of Capri Casino for the lunch buffet. Big mistake. Unless, of course, you enjoy completely over-priced crappy food, tacky decor, and the company of the strangest, scariest, shadiest characters walking God's green earth. We choke down the second-rate fare, marvel at how small the disco ball is for such a cavernous room, consider freeing the two parrots caged up in Ferriday's Restaurant, smoke a cigarette, and make our way, miserably, back to Greenwood.

Home Again Home Again Jiggity Jig

We pull back into Andy's and head to our respective habitats to bathe the filth of that God-forsaken casino out of our hair and to sleep in our own beds. The Grateful Dead song comes to mind: "What a long, strange trip it's been." But what a fun and what a wonderful trip, too. Good friends, great times, incriminating pictures, board games, booze, fabulous food, sunshine, water, and memories to last a lifetime.