The Vampire: A Typical Tale of College Life
I had a friend who attended a certain un-named Southern university where she was quite the social director. She managed to have some good times before failing out. While being a hilarious storyteller, she is not the writer, so most of her outlandish diatribes are lost on the hot air from whence they came.
However, one night while receiving a probably wine-induced phone call, I got the brilliant idea to scramble for a notebook and pen and get carpal tunnel. The following is the result. Somehow I feel it will really resonate with the Delta, since a large number of its residents have never really left the college party. Names have been changed to protect the guilty.
The Vampire
There was this hot house boy. He had this grown out hair with the flip, this six pack, these arms. And Abbey told me, “Ask Allan to the party.” I didn’t know him at all. So I ask him, and he says yes.
He drank a whole bottle of Absolut in the car before dinner. He was totally wasted. On the way to the party, he is all over me. Lickin’ my neck, the whole nine yards. And he is hot.
Erin from [Bible study] was in the front seat. Her eyes were SO big.
So we go to the party. And we’re at the [insert Greek letters] house at 2 o’clock in the morning, and it’s boring and it’s time to go. And we're makin’ out in the parking lot, and then he’s like, “Wanna watch a movie?” You know how it goes.
So we got to his place, and on the credits, he pounces on me. And I’m like, “Get away from my pants, get away from pants.” Not gettin’ in my pants! I’ve known you for like a week. I was drunk as hell, but my good drunk, you know – not falling down or anything.
And we kept makin’ out, and he was doin’ this weird lip thing. We kept makin’ out. And it was boring, and my lip hurts. I was like, “Ow!” It was my sophomore year, and he was like the second person I’d kissed ever. So mid-kiss, he passes out on top of me. And I cannot get him off.
And there’s an animal in his apartment, and I’ve got allergies. I cannot move him. His car is a stick shift, and it’s 4 o’clock in the morning. There was no one I could call. This was pre-cell phones. Everyone is wasted, passed out or having sex with someone. I’m about to be in tears.
So Sunday at 6 a.m., the sun comes up. The TV flips on – there’s a timer – and it’s blaring cartoons. I cannot move to get the remote. I have a crick in my neck because I have been sleeping straight up with a body on top of me. I am in hell!
And I’m like, “Allan! Allan!” He gets up to go to the car. And I’m thinking, “There’s something wrong with my face. I cannot feel the lower part of my face.” I’m trying to be cool.
We’re in the car, and he’s not sayin’ anything. He has no personality at all. I want to pull down the mirror, but there’s no mirror. Can’t see in the windows ‘cause they’re foggy. I’m havin’ a fit – I know somethin’s wrong here. He drops me off: Bye, had a good time.
I get home to the [insert Greek letters] house. And I come to the top of the stairs where there’s a mirror. And I SCREAMED! And I burst into tears! I have lips like a black person! They are SO swollen you could see the inside of my lip. I looked like a black person. He had vampire-sucked my lips. My lips were black. I could not talk, drink, eat. I was in horrible pain. I was swollen down to the chin. And nobody’s up, nobody’s home.
[My roommate] comes in. Around noon everyone gets up … they start lookin’ for food. [Roommate] saw me and almost died. Soon 10 girls are knockin’ on my door. I’m the only one who hasn’t come out to tell her story.
I hear, “Come out! Tell us about your night!” I open the door finally, and I have the covers up over my face.
Abbey’s like, “Izzie, why do you have the covers over your face?”
I scream, “You bitch! What do you know?!!”
Everyone is shocked, but Abbey is laughing hysterically. “The Vampire got you, too?”
Everybody knew in about five minutes. People callin’ me. It’s like show and tell. He was called “The Vampire” from then on. “He will eat your face.”
My lips peeled, inside and out. I had to put ice on my face. Concealer, lip liner – I had to draw on a lip line. I didn’t have one. I avoided everyone for a week. He never said a word about it. We met and said:
“Hey.”
“Hey.”
However, one night while receiving a probably wine-induced phone call, I got the brilliant idea to scramble for a notebook and pen and get carpal tunnel. The following is the result. Somehow I feel it will really resonate with the Delta, since a large number of its residents have never really left the college party. Names have been changed to protect the guilty.
The Vampire
There was this hot house boy. He had this grown out hair with the flip, this six pack, these arms. And Abbey told me, “Ask Allan to the party.” I didn’t know him at all. So I ask him, and he says yes.
He drank a whole bottle of Absolut in the car before dinner. He was totally wasted. On the way to the party, he is all over me. Lickin’ my neck, the whole nine yards. And he is hot.
Erin from [Bible study] was in the front seat. Her eyes were SO big.
So we go to the party. And we’re at the [insert Greek letters] house at 2 o’clock in the morning, and it’s boring and it’s time to go. And we're makin’ out in the parking lot, and then he’s like, “Wanna watch a movie?” You know how it goes.
So we got to his place, and on the credits, he pounces on me. And I’m like, “Get away from my pants, get away from pants.” Not gettin’ in my pants! I’ve known you for like a week. I was drunk as hell, but my good drunk, you know – not falling down or anything.
And we kept makin’ out, and he was doin’ this weird lip thing. We kept makin’ out. And it was boring, and my lip hurts. I was like, “Ow!” It was my sophomore year, and he was like the second person I’d kissed ever. So mid-kiss, he passes out on top of me. And I cannot get him off.
And there’s an animal in his apartment, and I’ve got allergies. I cannot move him. His car is a stick shift, and it’s 4 o’clock in the morning. There was no one I could call. This was pre-cell phones. Everyone is wasted, passed out or having sex with someone. I’m about to be in tears.
So Sunday at 6 a.m., the sun comes up. The TV flips on – there’s a timer – and it’s blaring cartoons. I cannot move to get the remote. I have a crick in my neck because I have been sleeping straight up with a body on top of me. I am in hell!
And I’m like, “Allan! Allan!” He gets up to go to the car. And I’m thinking, “There’s something wrong with my face. I cannot feel the lower part of my face.” I’m trying to be cool.
We’re in the car, and he’s not sayin’ anything. He has no personality at all. I want to pull down the mirror, but there’s no mirror. Can’t see in the windows ‘cause they’re foggy. I’m havin’ a fit – I know somethin’s wrong here. He drops me off: Bye, had a good time.
I get home to the [insert Greek letters] house. And I come to the top of the stairs where there’s a mirror. And I SCREAMED! And I burst into tears! I have lips like a black person! They are SO swollen you could see the inside of my lip. I looked like a black person. He had vampire-sucked my lips. My lips were black. I could not talk, drink, eat. I was in horrible pain. I was swollen down to the chin. And nobody’s up, nobody’s home.
[My roommate] comes in. Around noon everyone gets up … they start lookin’ for food. [Roommate] saw me and almost died. Soon 10 girls are knockin’ on my door. I’m the only one who hasn’t come out to tell her story.
I hear, “Come out! Tell us about your night!” I open the door finally, and I have the covers up over my face.
Abbey’s like, “Izzie, why do you have the covers over your face?”
I scream, “You bitch! What do you know?!!”
Everyone is shocked, but Abbey is laughing hysterically. “The Vampire got you, too?”
Everybody knew in about five minutes. People callin’ me. It’s like show and tell. He was called “The Vampire” from then on. “He will eat your face.”
My lips peeled, inside and out. I had to put ice on my face. Concealer, lip liner – I had to draw on a lip line. I didn’t have one. I avoided everyone for a week. He never said a word about it. We met and said:
“Hey.”
“Hey.”
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