Water, Wine or Whiskey? A Wedding Season Decision...


















"What do you like better, Christmas or Wedding Season? The answer would be, um, Wedding Season? Bingo! I'm gonna get my suit. Now who are we this time?" - Jeremy Grey and John Beckwith from Wedding Crashers (2005)

It's wedding season, kids! With that comes the horror of fitting into those terribly tight bridesmaid dresses or renting the infamous and infuriating groomsman tuxedo. But with the trepidation comes the relief that maybe, just maybe, the bride's family has scrimped and saved for an open-bar reception.

You all know the drill: the wedding invitation arrives via the United States Postal Service, probably with three minutes worth of calligraphy endorsing the envelope. As soon as it is opened, the bridal guessing game begins.

Is her family well-to-do? Is she an only daughter? Is she a Southern Baptist or is she a Whiskeypalian? Is the reception to be held in the church parlor or at a private establishment?

All of the aforementioned factors (just to name a few) are in direct relation to the percentage of the night the typical wedding crasher will remember.

If the bride comes from money, her family is more likely to give her away with style...and hard liquor. After all, they can afford a bar tab that makes the per-capita income of Rhode Island seem negligible. Why not flaunt it?

Similarly, if the betrothed is an only child (or only daughter), she probably will expect a larger send-off than one whose family must split the "wedding cashpot" among two or more female siblings.

Religion also plays a role in deciding what to offer at the reception. In most cases, a Southern Baptist wedding doesn't allow dancing, much less the consumption of alcohol (for shame!). Episcopalians, on the other hand, often ask the preacher to give the first toast!

Presbyterians are also known to throw a well-stocked post-nuptial party (recall Laura Anne Fonda Archer and Mary Lindsey Johnson Killebrew). The entire city of Greenwood thanks you kindly for a great night, Sam and Parker!

So, with all the planning and preparation that goes into making weddings "the perfect occasion," the only thing that really matters is the drink menu. So what's it gonna be - water, wine or whiskey? The entire guest list is waiting for the answer with bated breath.

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